The Car Accident

14 Aug

In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both veer over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither occupant is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident.

Both the drivers get out of their car.  One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer.  The lawyer calls the police on his car phone and goes over to talk to the doctor.

It’s cold and damp, and both men are quite shaken up at the accident.  The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask.

“Why, thank you,” the doctor accepts.  He takes a few drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.  “Aren’t you also going to have a drink?” the doctor asks.

“Yes. After the police get here.” replies the lawyer.

Never talk to the parrot……….

14 Aug

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn’t accommodate her with an “after-hours” appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large Rottweiler inside named Killer; he won’t bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!”

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn’t resist saying, “You stupid bird, why don’t you shut up!”

To which the bird replied, “Killer, get him!!!”

Satisfied Debt

10 Aug

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800. to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor”, she replies.

“Great”, the husband exclaims, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Complete vs. Finished

23 Jul

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

However, in a recent linguistic conferenceheld in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!” His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.

Keeping busy as we grow older

08 Jul


Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time .

Talking about my “doing something useful” seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation .

She was “only thinking of me ,” and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys .

I did this , and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business .

I told her that I had joined a parachute club ..

She said, “Are you nuts? You ‘re almost 81 years old , and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes ?”

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card .

She said to me, “Good grief, where are your glasses ! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club , not a Parachute Club ..”

“I’m in trouble again, and I don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week,” I told her.. She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier , but sometimes it can be fun !

Where is your Ferrari?

30 Jun



Lady Interviewer: Do you shoot often?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much do you shoot at the target range?

Man: Around 3 boxes of ammo give or take.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a box cost?

Man: Roughly $30.00 at a sporting goods store

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been target shooting?

Man: 35 years.

Lady Interviewer: You are shooting about four times a month at a cost of about $150.00, so that’s $600 each month and you’re spending about $7,200 per year, right?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $7,200 on ammo, not accounting for inflation, 35 years puts your spending roughly $252,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you never shot guns for the past 35 years you’d have enough money for a brand new Ferrari?

Man: Do you shoot?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So, where’s your fuckin Ferrari?

Testing 123

29 Dec




Why you shouldn’t give scratch-off tickets for Christmas

25 Dec

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Life in the Military

07 Dec

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay… practically nothing. Men got to shave but it’s not so bad… there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you ’til noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,

2 idiots & a .50 Cal

06 Dec

One of the worst cases of stupidity I’ve ever seen.
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