In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both veer over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither occupant is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident.

Both the drivers get out of their car.  One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer.  The lawyer calls the police on his car phone and goes over to talk to the doctor.

It’s cold and damp, and both men are quite shaken up at the accident.  The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask.

“Why, thank you,” the doctor accepts.  He takes a few drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.  “Aren’t you also going to have a drink?” the doctor asks.

“Yes. After the police get here.” replies the lawyer.

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn’t accommodate her with an “after-hours” appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large Rottweiler inside named Killer; he won’t bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!”

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn’t resist saying, “You stupid bird, why don’t you shut up!”

To which the bird replied, “Killer, get him!!!”

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800. to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor”, she replies.

“Great”, the husband exclaims, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

However, in a recent linguistic conferenceheld in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!” His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.

Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time .

Talking about my “doing something useful” seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation .

She was “only thinking of me ,” and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys .

I did this , and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business .

I told her that I had joined a parachute club ..

She said, “Are you nuts? You ‘re almost 81 years old , and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes ?”

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card .

She said to me, “Good grief, where are your glasses ! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club , not a Parachute Club ..”

“I’m in trouble again, and I don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week,” I told her.. She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier , but sometimes it can be fun !