After being married for 49 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, “You’re an alphabet wife

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

She asks … “What the hell does that mean?”

He said,”Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot”.

She smiled happily and said …”Oh, that’s so lovely – but what about I, J, K?”

He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both veer over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither occupant is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident.

Both the drivers get out of their car.  One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer.  The lawyer calls the police on his car phone and goes over to talk to the doctor.

It’s cold and damp, and both men are quite shaken up at the accident.  The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask.

“Why, thank you,” the doctor accepts.  He takes a few drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.  “Aren’t you also going to have a drink?” the doctor asks.

“Yes. After the police get here.” replies the lawyer.

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn’t accommodate her with an “after-hours” appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large Rottweiler inside named Killer; he won’t bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!”

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn’t resist saying, “You stupid bird, why don’t you shut up!”

To which the bird replied, “Killer, get him!!!”

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800. to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor”, she replies.

“Great”, the husband exclaims, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”